Good Moms Make Cookies

And keep their house clean.....

This is not a story of Blake's birth, nor is it a look at a picture perfect life.  It is me being honest about the first 4 months with Blake.  (This is also not one of those annoying rants moms post that make them look nuts)

Long before I had Blake, somewhere in my subconscious I believed once I got married and had a baby I would be happy.... so happy that I would never be sad, angry, lonely etc. ever again.  After all that's how our mom's were right?  I was fulfilling my duty as a good Mormon girl.  I had been groomed to be a good mom.  I had tended other children for 11 years.  I had been a teacher of the hardest age.... 13.  I was ready.  Nothing could go wrong.  I had it all under control.  I understood babies.  I assured my husband, "I've taken care of other people's babies for as long as I can remember... don't worry."

Backing up to pregnancy and birth.  Pregnancy is long.  At the end carrying a baby the size of a watermelon feels.....well..... "Heavy". (To quote a former student who once asked if I felt heavy...at the time I was 20 weeks....no I didn't feel heavy.  At 34+.... yep I felt heavy)

The day Blake was born I went on my usual morning walk.  I had been having stronger and stronger contractions for weeks.  Most the time I went on walks I would actually get contractions so strong I would have to stop, I often thought I would have him right there in the street. (silly me)  I went to Costco after my walk.  My contractions were getting stronger, but I was convinced I was fine.  I realized I was bleeding.  I called my Dr.  He told me to get some monitoring at the Hospital.  I drove myself there.  My husband was in school and I didn't want to worry him.

Well I was in Labor.  I was progressing.  The Dr. wanted to see how I'd respond to a little Pitocin.  I was ready.  By 3 am I was ready to have Blake.  He was in a weird position, so with my Epidural completely phased out I went to work.  Every time I pushed I felt better. After a little less than 3 hours (of pushing) Blake came!  I was so empowered!  I was definitely in need of some pain meds after that :)

Blake was Jaundice, so we had to supplement with formula.  After that he never wanted to nurse again.  I killed myself over that.  I was convinced I was an unfit mother.  I got over it.  Blake loved bottles.  I just had to find the right formula because he had a sensitive tummy.  Finally got him on Gerber Good Start Soothe.  

I had a wonderful husband, and cute baby.  I would never want for more!  Wrong.  Babies are the hardest thing you will ever do.  You look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself.  You don't get to do whatever you want.  You are tired, hormonal, fat....but you are supposed to smile, look perfect, keep your house clean, make all the meals, and don't forget.... make cookies.

I love making cookies.  I love skinny jeans.  I love going to the movies.  I love going on long runs.  I love being able to have my house organized.

Guess what....it's gone.  I have a perfect baby.... who had terrible colic.  I never got anything done.  Then after a long day I would look in the mirror and not recognize who I saw.

These are the facts.  Why cant we be more honest with each other?

I have never felt so whole and complete in my life.  My son has my nose and lips.  He smiles at me.  He talks to me.  He gets excited when I come in the room.  I am everything to him.  I love him and he loves me.

Sickness, sleep regression, continual gut and feeding issues.  I deal with them everyday.  I am a nut.  I don't recognize myself, but I am the new me.  I wanted this remember?  I would never go back.  Some days I have moments of weakness where I wish I could be back in my cute (small) teacher clothes teaching about the American Revolution.  I felt empowered.  I felt accomplished.  That was then.

I created a human.  I am learning to be a mom.  Once and a while I still make cookies.  I go on walks with my son.  My house never stays very clean.  I manage to make dinner most nights.  Movies...they don't happen.

My son is perfect.  I am not.  He is teaching me.  I need to listen.

I am whole.

(PS- Bless my husband.  Don't forget your husband. Take a look here)

I'll be sure to post Andrew's favorite cookies...